...

N. just left, we watched a movie. I told him last night after our amazingly romantic date that I would spend the night tonight, but I'm not. Why? Because I feel uncomfortable around him sometimes. And it's not anything he's doing. I just don't get why I feel this way. I literally cried in front of him tonight because I thought he was mad at me that I wasn't coming over... and he wasn't. It's like, when he gets close to me emotionally I freak out and feel trapped. I've been so emotionally skiddish since I've come back from Europe.

I guess I should mention I dated this guy for almost a year when I was studying abroad and it was serious. We were genuinely in love, talking about the future, and all that stuff. I thought I was going to come back to the US with hopes of going back in another year and being with him, but he had other plans. As soon as I got back to Texas, he broke up with me and got back with his ex-girlfriend. He fell out of love and literally pretended to want to be with me for the last two weeks I was there because he wanted me to be surrounded by friends and family when he broke up with me. (as opposed to being alone in a foreign country). I guess I can KIND OF respect that, but it was ridiculously cruel at the same time. In the end, I know it was better because we just weren't right for each other, but I just feel betrayed and angry at him and angry at myself for completely not seeing the real him... and totally embarrassed that ME of all people... the girl that doesn't take shit from anyone, could be duped into falling in LOVE and then dropped like a hat for the old model. What if it happens again? Am I really that gullible?

I literally had a physical reaction when I read the EMAIL he sent me. Yes, he did it over email. I threw up stomach acid because I had nothing in my stomach. Then, I had to take sleeping pills for two weeks just to get through the night. Now, I still have occasional dreams about him once every few months. They're getting less frequent, so I feel like I'm healing emotionally... but why do HIS dick actions have to dictate my feelings for N.? No one dictates my actions, but me. I am NOT a follower and I take control of everything. It makes me physically sick to think that this asshole ex still has some form of control over my life.

Maybe I'm just not meant to rekindle anything with N. if I can't get past this emotional block. I love being around him, but I have freak outs like this. And it makes me think about other things... like... Am I just a musician because it's the only thing I'm good at? The only thing that makes me feel alive? The only thing God blessed me with talent for? Why am I going to grad school in Europe? Why do I want to go back to the same country? Is it just familiar? Do I really know what I'm doing or am I just continuing the bull shit? What's going to happen to my relationship (whatever it is) with N. when I leave? Is he going to hate me?

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. Seriously. Do I need to see a counselor so I don't word vomit all over you guys? Sorry for that. If you made it through all that, congrats.

Food Intake

Breakfast:

-3 cups of coffee >> 6 calories

Lunch:

-1 small bowl of bowtie pasta with pesto and grape tomatoes >> 250 calories

-peach tea >> 5 calories

Snack:

-fiber bar >> 120 calories

Dinner:

-mexican food leftovers >> 450 calories

Total for the day: 831 calories