Ashamed

It's been so terrible. I've been too ashamed to update the blog.

Day two of binge. How the fuck do I have two days of binging? And when I say binging, I mean three fucking meals and a snack. I've been watching Man v Food because it grosses me out and makes me not want to eat. It's seriously disgusting if you've never seen it.

I think my body shut down. I used over two tanks of gas this last week because I had to go EVERYWHERE. It was fucking exhausting.

I had a panic attack on day one of the binge. I got lost and ended up an hour away from my house. I called the guy friend, we'll call him N from now on, and he talked me down and got me back home. I spent the night with N that night and calmed down. He's always there for me. We dated for a while and only broke up because I left the country to study in Europe for a year. I'm just way too afraid of commitment and WAY too fat to be with him again.

I'll make up for this shit by ignoring food, running in the mornings with N, and practicing more. When I practice, I forget to eat sometimes. Coffee helps too.

I hope you guys have been stronger than me this week... fucking scale went back UP to 162