1) I'm not in love with N. and I don't know if I ever will be again. I can't go chasing the past just because we used to have a healthy functioning relationship a year and a half ago. So I told him we can't date anymore. I let him down softly, but the real reason is that I feel like shit when I don't feel anything for him. You can't force love- sounds like I need to take my own advice.
I was watching the two of them this weekend, my best friend and her husband, and they are madly passionately and deeply in love. It's so beautiful. I realized that even though the relationship didn't work out with my ex-boyfriend P. I was still madly in love with him and it was a fiery sort of feeling. Truly passionate. Even though it hurt like hell when we broke up, I'm willing to risk that hurt again to put my heart out there for love. No more settling.
2) I'm not alone in feeling rejected by my best friend. Her maid of honor and I are her two best friends in the whole world. She's known the other girls since she was 4 years old, so she was picked as the maid of honor. K. (maid of honor) is a fantastic person and I'm glad my best friend chose her. K. and I talked and she told me that the only reason she was chosen is because I was out of the country and with P. so they thought I may not be coming back. Of course, I'm not sure that's true and she truly deserved to be up there, but it was great to bond with her. One other bridesmaid A. joined our conversation and we all shared the same secret: that we feel like our friend is getting married and leaving us. It's like we all were surprised to find out the others were feeling kind of sad and borderline resentful. Not, of course, of her happiness, but because of that fact that she's moving on and leaving us behind. No more daily/weekly phone calls or text messages, no more deep conversations, and no more meaningful thoughts. It's just more superficial now. But if that's how she is finding her new life (she's moved across the country away from us) then we are all supporting her. I wonder if these feelings are common in weddings.
3) I am beautiful. No, really, I AM beautiful. I know this story is going to sound strange and slightly homo-erotic (ha!), but hang in there... After the bride and groom left for their honeymoon, A and K and I (with two groomsmen) went to the beach, took off our bridesmaid's dresses, and jumped into the ocean. Wearing our panties and leaving the groomsmen to guard our clothes, we played in the water, ran up and down the beach, sat in the surf, and had nonsense alcohol induced conversation. At one point, the lone lamplight catches me out in the open and K. stops and says, "Oh my God, you are so beautiful! Look at you!", and she makes me do a spin. She says I look thin from the side and confesses how she feels fat. She is at least six foot two inches and so very thin. I can't believe she'd give me a compliment like that.
After we dress and make our way back the hotel, I went up to A's room to shower. Her husband is sleeping, so we undress and get in the shower. I've never showered with a girl before and we were both just drunk and wanted the sand out of our butt cheeks(!!!!!!!!) so we jumped in, continuing our conversation like nothing happened. We both have hour glass figures, but she's a little more gifted on top than me. Anyways, I notice that our bodies look so similar and I think she's absolutely gorgeous. She is so classically beautiful that it made me think about myself and my own self image. She has a small tummy, like me, but she carries her weight in her chest and mine is my ass. It's like we're mirror images.
So, as weird as this sounds, seeing K. and A. (half) and (naked) really made me think about how I see myself. I could stand to tone parts of my body or lose a few pounds, but I felt so confident last night in my own skin. I've never seen another REAL woman my age (21) undressed and up close before, so it just makes sense now. I can't keep making negative comments to myself because it's only bringing me down. Everything was so positive this weekend and I felt happy for the first time in SO long.
I feel like I really grew up this weekend. I'm happy for my best friend, ready to prepare my heart to find that fiery love again, and I want to get help for this self image problem. Five years is enough torture to my body. That book, Wasted, has really woken me up. It's like I'm reading my own thoughts in some parts. (I've had a lot of time to read on the airplanes and buses I've taken this weekend.)
So it may be the fact that I was on an island all weekend or that I saw a terribly romantic wedding... BUT I'm going to be sentimental with you: I wish you all the best luck in your life journey this week. I hope your mind, bodies, and souls remain strong and beautiful and I cherish each and every one of you. I hope you can all find some kind of peace and love; the same kind that I'm looking for. So, even though I'm taking a new path in my search for happiness and that "whole" feeling, I'm still going to update here and keep reading all of your posts (of which I will have to catch up on after class tomorrow).
Love,
Brittany
1 comment:
I was worried you were going to leave on us! I am so happy for you, girl. It really does sound like you've matured this weekend, and that's a wonderful experience. Much love.
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